I started to write this blog post several times and kept deleting it. Barely 2 weeks ago my sweet Lacy Girl was diagnosed with a very advanced form of cancer. This past weekend I took her to our family farm (her favorite place in the world) one last time before we had to put her down. Its been completely heartbreaking and very sudden, but I am confident that I did what was best for my girl.
Saying goodbye to Lacy brought up a lot of old wounds and thoughts about loss, life, understanding God's plan when it seems unclear... the list goes on. She was my companion through a season of really devastating and heavy life changes. In a lot of ways she "took care of me" rather than the other way around. Her life was too short at only 3 years old. Its so easy to think "why my girl? Haven't I been through my share of heartbreaks in the last couple years.... so what's the harm, Lord, in letting me keep my dog?" Surely God wouldn't put me through another heartbreak for no reason right? But this one has been hard for me to make sense of.
Right after I got the news about Lacy I went to Colorado to visit some friends. The trip had been planed for a while but I almost canceled it. On the flight out ,I listened to a NeedToBreathe song and some of the lyrics went like this "give me an answer, give me a way out, give me the faith to believe in these hard times" and then "give me motivation, give me all my hearts desires. Show me something gorgeous, show me till my eyes get tired"
I felt like my heart was begging Him for that. The faith to believe and trust that He does work all things for good - even the things that seem so pointlessly hurtful. And that He would show me some beauty where it seems like there is none. Show me beauty in Lacy's life and now her death, in Colorado, in the Fall season, in my work, my relationships, in His provision and love, in life in general.
"when trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow" James 1:2-3.... "God blesses the people who patiently endure testing" James 1:12
So, I've been asking him for wisdom in this loss. To help me understand. Asking "God what is your plan? Is my life about to change in a way that Lacy wouldn't have fit? If so, how? What's coming? Why have you been working on strengthening my endurance of faith so much over the past few years? What are you sending my way that you have been preparing me for through all of this? Am I ready yet?"
Sorry if this post seems like a downer - thats why I debated writing it. It hits so close to the heart and I haven't worked through it all yet. However, I hope it encourages you to look for love, provision, and wisdom from the Lord when life gets hard. And expect your faith to be strengthened. I am still learning all of this myself, but I know that if I continue to lean into Him, he'll walk me through the whole thing. None of us can anticipate all of the curve balls life will throw us, but I am excited to see what the Lord has planned for me next. I am ready to see what new opportunities will come with my design work. To travel (I'm heading to Europe next week - so stay tuned for some posts on that coming your way) and to see the beauty that will surely come in the wake of this season.
Lacy Girl was such an angel to me at a time when I desperately needed one. And now her job is done. I will forever be thankful for her life and her sweet spirit that she so unconditionally shared with me.